


Dark Revelations

by sevanderslice



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2013-01-18
Packaged: 2017-11-25 12:43:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/639033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevanderslice/pseuds/sevanderslice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Literally stuck in Shepard's worst nightmare, Kaidan must help her realize that everyone is afraid of something, even her.</p><p>Hurt/comfort fShenko. Takes place towards the end of ME3.  Rated M for some heavy themes and possible triggers, including non-explicit mentions of rape, murder, and slavery, in part 2, and some mild smut in part 3.  Prompt originally taken from the ME Kinkmeme on livejournal</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a stand alone story that is not connected with any of my other works.

There was never any question in Kaidan’s mind of Shepard’s bravery. It was fact, plain and simple, and known galaxy wide. He’d stood by her side as she defied the entire council and went after a rogue Specter. He had seen her dress down a Krogan warrior without flinching and scratch a razor toothed Varren behind the ears like it was a Labrador retriever. She’d conquered death itself; left his heart bleeding in her wake as she went off chasing her sense of duty through the Omega 4 relay, only to defy all odds and actually return. Hell, a few days ago she took down a damn reaper, face to face. She was so courageous it bordered on insanity and quite frankly, most of the time, it scared him to death.

So why, after witnessing all that and more, was Kaidan starting to think Shepard wasn’t quite as unshakeable as everyone believed? Granted, the fate of the entire galaxy was riding on her shoulders, and that was enough to keep anyone from sleeping well at night. But it was more than that. There was something about the way she held herself sometimes; a nervousness in her demeanor that Kaidan had always dismissed as the heightened alertness required to do her job well. But it was more than that too.

Maybe he was more aware of it simply because he was more aware of her than ever before. Kaidan absolutely would not survive losing her again, so Shepard’s wellbeing was always his primary concern, on and off the battlefield. Over the past few weeks he’d noticed a pattern of sorts in her behavior: insisting the fish tank light remain on while they slept; warily eyeing the lamps as they flickered on and off in an old Cerberus Lab; and most recently, how insistent she was that they spend as little time as possible inside the Rachnai cave on Tuchanka. So far none of her little quirks had affected her performance, nor had they been largely inconvenient (especially that last one), but they were starting to concern him. He needed to confront her before the rest of the crew started to figure out what Kaidan was almost sure of now. 

The door to the lounge opened with a whoosh, startling Kaidan out of his musings. He looked up from the datapad he was supposed to be reading, just in time to see the woman foremost in his mind slowly striding towards him. Once again, Kaidan was struck both by Shepard’s understated beauty, and by how completely exhausted she looked. 

The shine in her lovely green eyes seemed muted and smudged with too much purple underneath. Her hair, never meticulously groomed anyway, seemed messier than usual. The short ginger locks stuck up in funny angles from too many brushes from her long, frustrated fingers. Kaidan noticed with some alarm that the soft, N7 hoodie she’d taken to wearing around the ship seemed to dwarf her. Had she lost weight?

“You wanted to speak with me,” she announced, flashing him a small, crooked smile. 

“I do,” he answered with a sigh, “and it’s important, but I don’t think we have enough time now. We’re needed in the war room.”

She plucked the datapad out of his hand and set it aside without looking at it. “We have a few minutes.” 

Kaidan opened his arms. “Then let’s not waste any of them.”

Shepard slid onto his lap, curling her body around his and tucking her face into the crook of his neck. Kaidan closed his eyes, memorizing what perfection felt like. It was the curve of her back under his hand, the weight of her in his arms, and the smell of her hair. They needed to discuss his concerns about her. It was getting more urgent every day. But the temptation to not spoil the rare peace of this moment was tremendous.

“You know,” she said against his skin, “you don’t have to send me an email every time you want to talk.”

Kaidan let out a stiff chuckle. “And just expect to have immediate access to the great and powerful Commander Shepard? No, I feel the need to make an appointment just like everyone else.”

“Well,” she said, pulling back to look him in the eye. “Maybe you do need an appointment to speak with Commander Shepard, but Jane sleeps beside you, so you don’t need an appointment to speak with her.” 

“And which one of you forgot to wake me again this morning?”

“I’m sorry,” she said, actually blushing a bit. “I know I said I would, it’s just…”

The disembodied voice of the Normandy’s AI interrupted, “Commander Shepard.”

Kaidan’s sleepy, chagrined lover disappeared in a heartbeat as the Commander sat up to answer the comm. “Go ahead EDI.”

“It is taking us longer to cross Reaper occupied space than originally anticipated. The Normandy’s stealth drive is engaged, but our Lithium heat sinks are reaching their capacity and we may need to cut power to non-essential systems to prevent detection. In an emergency situation, I may need to shut down everything except life support and myself. I recommend you and Major Alenko relocate to the war room immediately, in case of this occurrence. Also, Admiral Hacket is available on Vid Comm.”

“Understood, EDI. Have Joker find a safe haven as soon as possible to dump our heat load. I don’t want us to find ourselves dead in the water.” Shepard slid off his lap and started towards the lounge door. Kaidan followed right at her heels. “And patch me through to the intercom please.” 

Kaidan listened to the calm, confident cadence of her voice as Shepard explained the situation to the crew. She strode into the elevator with a purpose, all evidence of fatigue suddenly buried beneath the duties of rank and professionalism. If he hadn’t experienced it firsthand, Kaidan would have had trouble imagining how this steely woman could possibly be afraid of anything. 

“Never a dull moment, hey Major?” She quipped, stepping to the side to make room for him in the small metallic space.

He flashed her a charming grin. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, ma’am.

She returned his smile and reached for his hand, giving it a quick squeeze as the door hissed shut. The motor had just begun humming with their ascent when what should have been a slightly longer ride, came to an abrupt and jarring halt. Kaidan fell painfully to one knee with a grunt, only barely managing to catch the Commander as she stumbled into his arms. 

“Edi!” Shepard yelled into empty air as she jumped to her feet. “What the hell was that?” They waited a moment, but heard only silence. “Edi?”

Kaidan winced as he gingerly slid off his bruised knee to sit on the floor. “I’m thinking this just might be the emergency situation she was talking about. Apparently elevator controls are ‘non-essential.’”

“Damn it!” Shepard kicked the metal wall a few times, growling in frustration. “When we get out of here I’m going to find a way to reshackle that AI so far down into the Normandy’s systems that all she’ll be good for is chess and pong!” A few more kicks, growls, and insults later, the commander’s ire was apparently spent. She slumped down next to him on the floor in defeat and gestured toward him, “You okay?” 

“I think I’ll live,” he answered, smiling indulgently. “At least we have time to talk now. You up for it?”

Shepard reached up and mussed her red hair into an even greater state of disarray. “Sure,” she answered, letting a puff of air escape her lips. “Shoot.”

Kaidan leaned forward to clap one of her hands in both of his. “Shepard, I…” he halted, trying to choose his words carefully.

“You’re making me really nervous here, Soldier,” she told him with a grimace. “Why don’t you just spit it out?”

Alright, it was now or never. Kaidan wasn’t sure how much longer they’d be stuck in this elevator anyway and privacy was paramount for this particular conversation. He took a deep breath and forced himself to continue. “I’m concerned about you, Shepard. I’ve noticed you behaving in a certain way in certain situations and…”

With a tiny, almost inaudible click, the elevator lights went out. 

As the inky curtain of impenetrable black fell around them, Kaidan felt dread settle low into his stomach. The hand he still held within his own, soft and pliable only a moment ago, now clutched him desperately in a viselike grip. Her sharp little nails dug brutally into his palm. Her breaths came in tiny gasps. All her muscles tensed, as if for battle. In that one heartbeat of time, all of Kaidan’s suspicions were incontrovertibly confirmed.

“I know you’re afraid of the dark, Jane.”


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m okay,” she told him, the words coming out just a little too fast and high pitched.  They still might have been somewhat believable however, had she not kept repeating them over and over again. 

“Jane,” he soothed, trying to take her into his arms.  She shrugged him off, finally letting go of his hand in the process.  Kaidan massaged the crescent shaped gouges she’d left his palm, trying to get the circulation flowing again. 

 “I’m fine,” She insisted again. “Really, I’m okay…I’m just…fine.  We just need to wait for the crisis to pass, or Joker to find us somewhere to dump our heat load and then EDI will start up the elevators again and we’ll get out of here right?”

He opened his mouth to answer, but she kept barreling on through.  “Of course, right!”  Her breathing was getting more and more erratic and Kaidan was starting to worry she’d fall headfirst into a full blown panic attack.    “Or better yet,” she continued, and Kaidan heard her brushing her hands across the floor and up side of one wall.  “We could find another way to get out of here.  There has to be an emergency exit for situations like this, right?  I’m sure we can find it if we look together.” 

“Shepard, stop.” Kaidan rose to his knees and clasped her shoulders, halting her search.  “You know as well as I do that there is no emergency exit.  The elevator is sealed tight in case of a hull breach.” 

“But I can’t stay here!”  Her voice rose into a higher, more hysterical pitch.  “This is my ship and I have no idea what is happening to her or her crew.  I don’t even have my pistol, and they need me in the war room.  I don’t have time for this!” 

“You have nothing _but_ time.” Kaidan’s voice was gentle but firm.  He slid his hands up to cup her face and felt the hot slide of fresh tears against his fingertips.  “You don’t need to be ashamed.  Everyone is frightened of something.”

“Not me!”  She cried, gripping his wrists tightly.  “Not of this!  I am supposed to be the unflappable Commander Shepard.  Everyone expects me to be able to save the whole damn Galaxy from the reapers.  How do you think they’ll react if they find out I’m afraid of the dark, like a fucking child?  They won’t understand!”

“Do you trust me?” he asked, purposefully softening his voice.

She took a deep, shuddering breath.  “You know I do.”

“Then, don’t worry about what ‘they’ think.  Just tell me.”  Kaidan moved in close enough to feel her panting breaths puff across his cheek.   “Make _me_ understand.  No one else has to know.”

“You don’t want to hear this Kaidan,” she told him, desperately.   “Hell, I don’t even want to hear it and it’s my story.”

“Let it go Jane,” he soothed, pulling her into his chest.   “How can the entire galaxy expect you to bear their weight on your shoulders without someone else’s to lean on yourself?  I can take it,” he added, letting her hear the smirk in his voice.  “Mine are pretty broad…just saying.”

He felt her smile against his skin as she let out a harsh, gasping chuckle. “Alright,” she managed to choke out. “But just remember you asked for it.  Some things once heard, can never be unheard.”

 “But a burden shared is half the weight,” he countered, and he felt her smile again.

Letting go of some of her ridged control, Shepard allowed Kaidan to once again lower them down to the thinly carpeted floor.  He settled his back against the cool metal wall, pulling her up onto his lap for the second time that day.  She curled herself around him in that way that always felt like home; cold, little nose brushing the side of his neck, fingers of one hand barely caressing the hair at the base of his skull.  He rubbed her back for a few minutes, waiting for her to speak when she was ready.

“They came for us at night,” she finally said, her voice low and deceptively calm.  “We’d heard the news reports of course, warning that Batarian slavers were attacking human colonies in the Attican Traverse, but we never thought…I mean at least _I_ never thought Mindior was in any danger.”

“Shit.” The curse hissed out of Kaidan’s mouth before he could consciously rein it in.  Everyone knew what happened on that colony sixteen years ago, and despite his protestations to the otherwise, Kaidan realized he probably didn’t want to hear this. 

 “I was so naive back then; sixteen years old, colony girl born and bred.  I thought deliberately missing curfew to make out with Jeremy Saunders behind the hydroponics lab made me independent and dangerous.  I thought giving him a black eye and a bruised groin, when he tried to take more than I wanted to give, made me invincible.  I was so angry at him and too full of my own self importance to notice anything out of place on my way home; that none of the streetlights worked, or that Mr. Akuna’s Doberman wasn’t barking up a storm when I walked passed.  I was actually relieved when the backdoor to our farmhouse wasn’t locked, because I thought I’d be able to sneak up to my room without getting in trouble.”

She took a deep, shuddering breath, and Kaidan ran his hand over her hair a few times in encouragement.

“I wasn’t two steps inside the kitchen before getting shoved painfully against the wall.  I tried to scream, but my mouth was covered.  It only took a second for me to realize it was my mom, but by then I could hear the voices coming from just outside.  They were thick and angry, and in a language I’d never heard before.    I could tell they were getting closer to us, but I still didn’t completely understand what that meant.

“Mom whispered for me to shush and half dragged me over to the utility closet on the other side of the room.  Inside was the access hatch to the crawl space that ran the length of our house. She opened it and shoved me inside so fast I scraped my arm on one of the metal hinges. 

“She bent down to talk to me and I finally got a good look at her in the dim light.  She was in her favorite flannel pajamas; the ones with pink pyjaks on them.  Our hunting rifle was slung across one of her shoulders and I still remember thinking the combination looked ridiculous.  But then she grabbed my wrist to get my attention and we finally made eye contact.  I’d never seen that expression on her face before; tense and stern, with wide terrified eyes.  She’d always been the ‘easier’ parent, you know; all laughter, and comfort, and love.  She was the one who always played devil’s advocate to Dad’s uncompromising discipline.  But right then…God, I can’t even describe the desperation I saw in her.  That’s what really made me understand we were in serious trouble…well, that and what she said next.  Her voice was so soft I almost couldn’t make it out.”

Kaidan felt Shepard’s hands clench tightly at the front of his shirt, her breathing becoming erratic again.  He gently brushed his lips against her temple. “It’s alright,” he told her.  “I’m here.  Keep going.”

“It was the last thing she ever said to me,” Shepard continued. “’Keep quiet. Stay down. Stay hidden.’   She made me promise not to make a sound, no matter what happened, and to wait for her while she went to get my dad and little sister.  And then she closed the hatch and locked me in.   I heard her whisper, ‘I love you, baby,’ but then there was nothing for several, long minutes.  And then, all I heard was screaming.”

“Jesus, Jane.”  Kaidan felt his own eyes start to prickle with unshed tears.”  I’m so sorry.

“I couldn’t see a thing. It was pitch black in that crawlspace, but I could tell what was going on.  The pirates must have found my mother right away; she never got a chance to use that rifle. 

“They dragged my sister down the stairs first.  She was struggling like crazy and crying out loud enough to wake the dead.  Grace was only ten, but I knew from experience that she packed a good punch.  She must have gotten one of the pirates really good, because he dropped her for a second.  I heard her run into the yard, screaming for someone to help her, but I figure by then no one was left that wasn’t trying to save themselves.  I didn’t hear it, but I know they caught her again at some point, bec      ause I never saw Gracie again.  After I enlisted, I used Alliance resources to track her down.  It took me five years to find her, but only three for her to die in a Batarian Platinum mine.”

Kaidan had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from moaning out loud.  He buried a hand in Shepard’s hair and rocked them a bit, desperate to provide a little comfort.   

“After Gracie ran out of the house, the pirates dragged my parents into the living room.  I slid through the crawl space as quietly as I could, inching along until I was on the other side of the wall from them.  Everyone was shouting all at once and I couldn’t make everything out.  My dad got knocked around a bit; I could hear the telltale sounds of flesh and bone against more flesh and bone.  My mom was sobbing, practically begging them to stop.  After a little while, one of the Batarians spoke up in thickly accented English. He said the colony registry listed our house as having four occupants, but they’d only found three.  He wanted to know where the missing child was.  He wanted to know where I was.

“My mom said she didn’t know what they were talking about.  She insisted the registry must have been wrong, that no one else lived there.  He hit her a few times, but she kept repeating the same thing over and over again.  Then they started laying into my dad some more.  I guess they were hoping that either he was more likely to talk or that hurting him would upset my mom enough to do so.  

“I have no idea how long that went on; maybe minutes, maybe hours, but neither of them ever even admitted I existed, let alone was hiding just a few feet away.  I had to bite my hand to stop myself calling out to them. 

 When they realized they couldn’t beat the information out of my parents, the slavers decided to change tactics.  The one who spoke English told my mom they’d lose money if they left without me.  If she didn’t tell them where I was, they’d have to take their money’s worth out of her.  And….Oh God Kaidan, I was old enough to know what they meant by that and I wanted so badly to bust myself out from behind that wall and stop it all.  But I was too scared.  I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want them to do to me what they were going to do to my mother.”

Kaidan gently shushed her. “There wasn’t anything you could have done, Baby.” He tried to blink his tears away again, but a few escaped to slowly slide down his cheeks.  “They would have just gotten you too.”

Shepard continued as if she hadn’t heard him, the words pouring out of her in a desperate, sobbing rush. “My dad started hollering at them not to touch her.  There was a quick, loud ripping sound and the Batarian asked one more time where I was.  Mom got really, really quiet, and for a minute I was terrified they’d killed her already.  When she finally spoke, her voice was as clear and confident as I’d ever heard it.  She said, ‘there’s no one.’  

“I heard some furniture being thrown around and then they started laughing and ripping her clothes some more.  By that point I was biting my hand so hard blood started dripping down my arm, but I couldn’t even feel it past the burning in my chest.  I couldn’t let myself breathe, or I’d scream. 

“When they’d got their money’s worth out of her, they shot both my parents in the head without a second thought.  I heard the two blasts, one right after the other, and then the bastards just walked right out of the house as if going for a Sunday stroll.  I knew they were gone, but I still couldn’t move for the longest time.  I kept expecting them to come back and find me.

“I’m really not sure how long I sat, curled up in that tiny, dark space behind the walls.  When I finally heard voices again I was too terrified to call for help.  They must have had scanners, and in hindsight I realize it’s a miracle the Batarians didn’t have any, because The Alliance found me right away.  I wouldn’t answer them, so they had to have one of their soldiers climb in and drag me out.  I gave him a broken nose for his efforts.”

Kaidan’s laugh was watery, but sincere.  “That’s my girl.”

“It must have looked like something out of a horror vid to those soldiers: an entire colony of dead adults; all the children missing; and then they go and pull me out of a crawl space, all kicking, and screaming, with blood all over my mouth and down my arm.  They had to sedate me to get me out of the house.  Next morning I woke up in an Alliance hospital, scrubbed clean and wearing new clothes.  The only physical evidence of my ordeal was a medigel wrap taped to my hand.  I’d bitten clean through to the muscle, still had the scar until Cerberus rebuilt me.”

“I remember,” Kaidan told her.  He reached over to trace his thumb over the soft, unblemished skin of her palm.  “I always wondered where you got it.” 

“It was a reminder of the first people that ever died for me; the first ones I wasn’t strong enough to save.”

“No, Jane.” Kaidan had to swallow a few times to keep the tears out of his voice.  “You were barely more than a child at the time.  You can’t blame yourself for what happened.”

“I know it wasn’t my fault!”  Shepard’s voice was raspy with remembered rage. “There were enough therapy sessions over the year and a half I spent in the Alliance orphanage to explain that particular truth to me.  But she was my mother, Kaidan, and I sat less than four feet away, doing absolutely nothing while God knows how many Batarian Slavers raped her for their fucking amusement!  She didn’t make a sound the entire time, but my dad was screaming like a wounded animal. I’d never known before then that humans could even make sounds like that.  And when they were done, the bastards dispatched them as indifferently as culling a herd of weak animals!  My baby sister got it even worse; it took her three whole years to die a slow and horrible death, without anyone to comfort her.  And I know there wasn’t anything I could do to stop any of it, but that’s the point, Kaidan; I was helpless.” 

He didn’t know what to say to that.  She was right, and it was awful, and it was all he can do not to sob into her shoulder at the injustice of it all. 

“It’s been fifteen years, but every time I’m in complete darkness I still remember being that frightened girl.   It’s a surprisingly easy thing to hide.  When I’m on an assignment I can push the pain and the fear away, because I’m Commander Fucking Shepard and I’ve got my M-98 Widow and a job to do.   But when it’s just me…when it’s just Jane in the dark, alone with the memories, I…” She stopped to take another shuddering breath. “I’m suddenly back in that crawl space.   I can feel the pounding of my heart and the ache in my hand.  I can smell the musty combination of dust and farm equipment.  All I can hear is my mother refusing to tell that bastard where I was, regardless of what they were going to do to her.”

“What was her name?” Kaidan had a sudden, burning need to know this.  “Your mother, what was her name?”

Shepard inelegantly wiped her dripping nose before answering.  “Hannah,” she said, tears choking her voice, “Hannah Shepard.”

“I wish I could meet her.” Kaidan told her, pride coloring the words.  “I wish I could shake her hand.  I wish I could hold her in my arms and thank her for giving me, not the Galaxy, but _me_ the opportunity to know you, to love you.”

“She would have loved you,” Shepard told him. “She was always scolding me for the bad boys I ran around with.  If I brought your Boy Scout ass home she would have fallen at your feet and demanded you marry me on the spot.”

They both laughed at this, and the sound was rough, and bittersweet, and cathartic.  Kaidan reached up to caress her cheek, wiping the tears away with a swipe of his thumb.  “I wish I could meet your mother,” he said again, “but I don’t have to.”

“And why is that?” 

“Because Jane,” he said, letting her hear the adoration in his voice.  “I know you, and you are exactly like her.”


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard jerked back as if to look him in the face, but Kaidan still couldn’t see anything in the tiny, lightless room.  “How could you possibly know that?” She asked.  Her voice was colored with a bitter edge.

Kaidan laced their fingers together, needing to maintain physical contact.  “What happened on Mindoir was horrific.  Just the thought of it happening to you makes me want to kill something with my bare hands.  But when I heard your story, what stood out for me wasn’t just the frightened girl behind the wall.  I also saw a woman who was willing to sacrifice everything, endure anything, to ensure the safety of someone she loved.  Your mother had more courage in her little finger than most people ever even dream of.  By your own admission, she was compassionate, diplomatic, and quick to laugh.  And in the end she proved herself to be as strong as steel.  Does that remind you of anyone else we know?”

“That’s very sweet, Kaidan.  I’m just not sure it’s that simple.”

“I’m sure,” he said with conviction.  “Who do you see when you look in the mirror, Jane?  Do you still see the traumatized teen from Mindoir?  Because I see everything you just told me your mother was, and more.  You are the bravest, strongest, most beautiful person I have ever met.  Everything else in the room dims by comparison when you arrive.”

“Don’t do that,” her anger was even more pronounced now.  “You of all people should know better than to put me on a pedestal. I can’t live up to it.”

“Jane,” he said, exasperated.  “You know me better than that.  You can always count on me to tell you like it is.  I’m not seeing you through rose colored glasses.  You don’t need a pedestal. You simply _are_?”

“But…”

“No,” he quickly interrupted. “Look at what you’ve accomplished, even just since the Reapers attacked Earth.  You’ve given the Krogan their first hope of long term survival since the rebellion.  You stopped a centuries old war between the Quarians and the Geth, because you were the first one to treat the Geth like people instead of monsters.   Hell, you convinced the Rachnai Queen to ally herself with the alliance. Who could have seen that coming?

“You’ve amassed the biggest multispecies military force in Galactic history.  The Reapers know you by name, Shepard.  They came to Earth first because you are a threat to them.  If anyone can lead us to victory, it’s you.”

“None of those things were accomplished alone, Kaidan.  I am not an army of one.”

“No, of course not,” He assured her. “But without you to lead the charge, no one would have even come close.  There is a reason that everyone you meet is either scared shitless, or ready to follow you even unto death.  Commander Shepard is brave.  She is both brutal and merciful, and wise enough to know which to dish out when.  She is a born diplomat, charismatic as hell, but also the scariest badass marine in the Alliance.  I am never more honored than when you trust me to guard your back, never more proud than when I am standing by your side.   And I know your mother would be just as proud.”

Shepard let out a broken sob.  “You still feel that way?  Even after knowing…”

“What?” Kaidan interrupted, “that you’re afraid of the dark?  That you are human and have demons just like everybody else?  Everyone is afraid of something, Shepard.  It is part of what makes us who we are.  Can you honestly say you’d be as observant on the battlefield, as uncompromising in your command, and as determined to bring as many back alive as you can, if you’d never experienced those fears?”

“I…”she faltered, “I don’t know.”

“You never want to feel that helpless ever again, and you’ll be damned if you let anyone else feel that way either.  That’s what makes you Commander _Fucking_ Shepard.  And if anyone has a right to be afraid once in a while, it’s you.”

She paused, as if thinking this over.  “Alright, I’ll play along.  What are _you_ afraid of?”

Kaidan stiffened as images assaulted his mind; _A lifepod missing an occupant, a funeral with an empty coffin, two years mourning a love that barely had time to start…_  Kaidan couldn’t imagine losing her again, especially now that they’d grown so close.  He was sure it would kill him this time. 

“Lots of things scare me,” he finally said.  “You took down a reaper on foot, by yourself, not too long ago, remember?  Those minutes alone took about ten years off my life and added at least fifteen gray hairs to my head.”

Warm fingers scraped across his sideburns.  “I like the gray,” she said.  “It’s sexy.”

“Well you should,” He chuckled. “Each and every one of them is named, ‘ _Shepard_.’”

The genuine mirth in her laugh made Kaidan smile and he rewarded her with a gentle squeeze.  “I have a lot of fears,” he continued.  “But if you’re asking which one has plagued me most of my life, which one has had a large hand in shaping who I am today, you already know the answer.” 

“Your biotics.” 

“Yes.”  Kaidan raised a hand, and suddenly their tiny space was illuminated with a soft blue glow.  “I was five years old the first time I accidentally set the kitchen on fire; ten when I overloaded all of the appliances in the house, because my dad wouldn’t let me go out with some friends.  When I was sixteen, the Men in Black were on my doorstep, waiting for me when I got home from school.  Two weeks later I was light years away from my parents, getting mandatory brain surgery.  At seventeen, I killed a man.  It was an accident, and frankly he deserved it, but that didn’t make it any easier.  I had become a weapon, without the need for bullets, explosives, or heat sinks.  It didn’t matter where I went; I would always be the most dangerous thing in the room.”

Shepard stared back at him, her face damp with tears and slightly gray from the blue light.  “I’ve never been afraid of you,” she said, reaching for his glowing hand.  Their fingers intertwined and Kaidan’s corona expanded to surround her hand as well.  “Your L2 implant allows your biotics to be stronger than almost every other human, and yet your control of them is nothing less than spectacular. I know you would never hurt me.  I trust you more than anyone.”

He smiled, overwhelmingly pleased by her statement.  “I wouldn’t be a fraction as controlled as I am, had I never been afraid of myself. It has forced me to work harder, be more careful, and think things through more often.  The very fact that I can touch you like this,” he gestured towards their linked, glowing palms, “seems nothing less than a miracle to me.  And yet, I know it is only possible because I was once, and still am at times, afraid of losing control.”

Shepard frowned at him, “I just can’t wrap my head around that happening.  You are so careful with your powers, even in battle, even when using your full strength.”

Kaidan lowered his eyes, studied the floor for a second. “I almost caused a hull breach after you died.”

“What?” 

“We were in those lifepods for close to eighteen hours.  Communications were down between pods, so all we could do was sit and hope the Alliance heard our distress call.  I kept telling myself that you were fine, that you must have gotten Joker out of the cockpit and joined him in the last pod. It was the only thing that kept me sane while we waited.”  Kaidan scrubbed a hand across his eyes a few times, while Shepard clutched his other one more tightly.  The corona around their fingers intensified a little.

 “When we were finally loaded into the cargo bay of a passing cruiser, my heart was in my throat.  I couldn’t wait to see your face and know that you were okay.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to take you in my arms like I wanted, with all of those soldiers around, but if I could just look into your eyes, see your smile….”

“I’m so sorry, Kaidan.” Shepard bit her bottom lip, trying to stop it from trembling.

“When I realized you weren’t there, I just lost it. My emotions were everywhere. I could feel my biotics spiking, but couldn’t rein them in.  I don’t remember much of what happened next; some yelling, someone tackling me to ground.  I woke up tied to a gurney in their medbay, a migraine screaming through my head. My amp was burned to hell.  Doc said they had to sedate me to keep me from hurting anyone, including myself.  I’d taken a chunk out of the hull and damn near spaced the entire crew.  Had to go through a psyche eval after that, but it wasn’t like I could tell anyone what was really the matter, unless I wanted a court marshal. That was the worst part, I think; not being able to talk about how much I missed you.”

“God,” she exclaimed, her voice trembling a bit. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“You’re here,” he said, reaching up to brush her tears away. “I have you back.  That’s all that matters to me.” 

“I love you so much,” she said, her voice breaking.  “More than I ever thought possible.”

Kaidan touched their foreheads together and closed his eyes, overcome with emotion.  “And I love you, Jane Shepard; every inch of you.”

She laughed, “Warts and all?”

He returned her smile, knowing for a fact she didn’t have a single wart on her spectacular body.  “Every inch,” he repeated. “I love every fear in your head and everything you triumph over.”  He brushed his lips across her cheekbone. “I love every scar, every bruise….”  His fingers traced down her arm, leaving a trail of blue fire and coming to rest on the curve of her side, “…every toned muscle and every soft, secret place.”

Shepard moaned as his lips traveled down the curve of her neck.  Her fingertips dug into the fabric of his shirt.

 “There are some good things about the dark, you know,” he said, rearranging her legs to straddle his hips.  “Would you like to explore them, or do you want me to keep this up for a while?” Kaidan asked, gesturing towards his glowing hand.  “I don’t mind, either way.”

Shepard frowned, obviously torn. “I don’t want you to get a migraine just so I can have a nite light.”

“I’m alright for now,” He said with a chuckle. “I think I rather like this, actually.” Kaidan couldn’t suppress a groan as Shepard ground her hips down onto his erection.  His whole body flared light blue. 

“I can tell,” She smirked, before leaning in to take his lips in a tender kiss.  “Thank you,” she said, pulling back a moment later.  “For this,” she gestured to the semi-darkness around them, “for not judging me, for sharing yourself.”

“Anytime,” he promised, right before reclaiming her lips with his own.  “Anything you want; whatever you need.”

“You,” she panted, managing to sneak her hand underneath the hem of his shirt. “I just need you.”   

Kaidan buried his fingers in the soft strands of her hair and leaned enthusiastically into their kiss.  A shot of pure desire ran through him at the breathy moan she made and he couldn’t help thrusting up against her clothed hips.   “Is there surveillance in this elevator?” He asked between panting breaths. 

“Of course,” she confirmed, popping the button on his fly and easing the zipper down.   “But if everything else on the Normandy is shut down, I’m sure that’s not working either.  That is unless EDI considers voyeurism an essential function.”

“I wouldn’t be…ahhh.” Kaidan gasped as her warm fingers wrapped around his length.  “I wouldn’t be surprised.”  He kissed her again, more desperately this time. In a heartbeat, he had her shirt pulled from her belt and his hands underneath her bra.  She stroked him steadily, and he shuddered, breaking away from her lips to trail hot kisses down her neck and shoulder.  She moaned when he rolled her nipple between his finger and thumb.  Needing more of her, he leaned in, ready to take the little nub into his mouth, when the lights flicked on in a blinding flash. 

“Oh damn,” he moaned, squeezing his eyes shut and burying his face against her bare chest.  “Damn, damn, damn.”

Shepard threw her head back and let out an uncharacteristically girlish giggle.  “I’ll make it up to you later, Major,” she said, before climbing off his lap and beginning to set her clothing to rights.  “EDI,” she shouted into open air, “what the hell just happened?”

Kaidan tucked himself back into his clothes as the disembodied voice of the Normady’s AI filtered through the small space.  “Commander Shepard,” she said, in an infuriatingly calm voice. “I apologize for the inconvenience I have no doubt caused you and Major Alenko.  Although from the look of things, you both found something worthwhile to occupy your time.”

Heat flared in Kaidan’s cheeks.  Shepard just glared at the walls.  “Cute EDI,” she said dryly.  “What’s our status?” 

“As I’d feared, it became necessary to shut down all non-essential ship functions in order to elude the reapers. Since our heat sinks are nearly over capacity, we could not run our stealth systems without that necessary action.  The two reapers who nearly overcame us are now out of scanning range.  We can proceed to the nearest Mass Relay to dump our heat load and then travel to a new system to escape detection.”

“Good.”  Shepard replied tersely, futilely brushing her fingers through her messy, ginger locks.  “How’s the crew, any casualties?”

“Other than some mild anxieties at being left in the dark for an indefinite amount of time, and a sprained ankle on the engineering deck, all crew members are healthy and accounted for.  The elevator should start up momentarily and I will have Admiral Hackett back on vid com in five minutes.”

“Thank you EDI.  That will be all.”  Shepard reached down to give Kaidan a hand up.  He was just getting to his feet when the elevator lurched into action.  He moved to straighten his uniform, needing to correct his disheveled appearance before the rest of the crew could see, but she held him tight.

Kaidan looked up into her beautiful green eyes and saw just a hint of apprehension there. “You’ve got my back?” She asked needlessly.

“Always,” he promised, giving her hand a light squeeze.  “Never doubt it.”

Shepard smiled back at him and let his hand drop just as the doors hissed open.  She squared her shoulders and marched onto the command deck, at once the confidant and charismatic Commander. 

Kaidan watched for a moment, letting his pride for her wash over him.  She’d overcome so much, and yet had so much further to go.  But he assured himself that this time, unlike on Mindoir, she wouldn’t be alone in her trials.  Kaidan would follow her; into the war room, back to Earth, into Hell itself, and anywhere else she needed him to be…until the end of time.   

fin


End file.
